


your memory etched into my skin

by sleepy_orange



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22939927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepy_orange/pseuds/sleepy_orange
Summary: Loving Junmyeon has been the one constant in the ever changing landscape of Sehun's life.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun
Comments: 27
Kudos: 95
Collections: Âme sœur: SeHo Fic Fest Round 1





	your memory etched into my skin

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt#5: Sehun has to patch back his life after Junmyeon dies
> 
> This is the first time I have ever participated in a ficfest. Dear prompter, I hope I have done this justice. 
> 
> Major thanks to Aileen for being the first to read through this fully when I had just completed it and was bursting to share it with someone. Your comments and enthusiasm meant the world to me. ❤️

**_Sehun: My dearest Suho hyung, whenever I’m tired, even if no words are being spoken, you always seem to know._ **

**_Sehun: The moment I saw him, I fell for him._ **

Sehun is 14 and in love with Junmyeon. 

He's 14, and had somehow gotten recruited into one of the country's most prestigious entertainment company, though he has no real idea how he got himself here. One minute he was eating tteokbokki, the next he was auditioning to be a trainee. That first month since he joined had been chaotic, trying to juggle his schoolwork and friends with singing and dancing practice. He's young, one of the youngest in the company, and there were so many other people who were all older than him and had so much more experience. He felt small and intimidated, and maybe regretted not running a little harder when the scout had chased him down.

They had introduced him to Jongin first, thinking that it would help him get settled in faster if he knew someone else his own age. But Jongin had Taemin, whom he was nearly inseparable from, and had been at the company for ages and danced like he had been born to do it, and all in all, it hadn't helped Sehun's feelings of inadequacy and panic.

His parents had worried about him and asked if he wanted to drop out. He was tempted; he would have - if not for one person. 

Junmyeon.

Because in all of this mess, in the midst of struggling to balance school and training, in the late hours he spent in vocal and dance lessons, he found his Junmyeon hyung. They hadn’t had the most auspicious start, what with Junmyeon scolding Sehun for not doing his greeting properly and nearly sending him home crying on his first day at the company. But there was something about him, maybe it was the confidence he had for someone who was only 17, maybe it was the way his harsh words contradicted his soft eyes, but he intrigued Sehun. And Sehun has since been keeping an eye out for Junmyeon, hoping that they would meet again.

He didn’t think that their next meeting would be like this. He had imagined Junmyeon finding him in a much cooler scenario, maybe right after he had just gotten praise from all the seniors during a performance review, or maybe when Sehun was dressed in his best clothes and had said something incredibly smart, making everyone around him laugh.

But of course expectations and reality seldom meet and their second meeting went like this - with Junmyeon finding him crying in the washroom after a particularly harsh dressing down from his dance instructor. Sehun had been scrubbing his face in the sink, trying to get rid of the blotchy redness that his face tended to get when he had been crying. He’d looked up when he heard the door swing open; looked up and locked eyes with Junmyeon in the mirror. 

Junmyeon had looked surprised for a moment and then concerned. He didn’t say a word, just gently closed the door, handed Sehun a packet of tissue and stood in front of the door to prevent anyone else from coming in while Sehun tried to calm himself down. He heard a couple of people bang on the door, but Junmyeon didn’t budge - just shouted at them through the door to go find another washroom. 

They finally left the washroom together 15 minutes later when all traces of tears were gone from Sehun’s face. Junmyeon had turned to him, given him a crinkly-eyed smile, patted him on the shoulder and walked away. He hadn’t said a word to him throughout the entire time, but by then Sehun was already smitten.

They’ve bumped into each other a few times since the bathroom incident. They never spoke to each other, but each time, Junmyeon would give him one of his smiles, and for that few seconds, Sehun would feel a little less alone in this huge building, would feel a little more seen like someone actually saw him and liked him, would feel like maybe he could do this - he could complete his training and, hopefully one day, debut. 

\---

**_Sehun: I count on him a little more._ **

**_Sehun: When hyung is feeling exhausted, I’ll be by your side. Don’t worry because I’m here._ **

Sehun is 20 and in love with Junmyeon. 

Idol life is so much more chaotic and fun and lonely and depressing than anyone had ever warned him it would be. He loved being in EXO, loved being in a group with 11 other boys, loved the camaraderie and the shenanigans and the general insanity that came with being in each other's pockets for hours, weeks, months. 

But it was also very tiring, and maybe even the word tiring itself was an understatement. They survived on less and less sleep, found themselves sleeping in one country and waking up in another. He liked to think that he was a pretty well-adjusted person, his circumstances notwithstanding, but even Sehun had woken up in a panic a couple of times, not recognising his surroundings or remembering where he was. It was a constant state of flux, where the only thing that did remain the same was Junmyeon. 

Because no matter which country they were in, which hotel they were staying, even if the rest had gotten individual rooms, Junmyeon and Sehun chose to room together. That consistency was a very real anchor for him. He knew that he could reach out in the middle of the night when he woke up in a panic and his hand would land on Junmyeon. Junmyeon, who even in his sleep could somehow sense that Sehun needed him and would pull him closer and tuck him under his chin. It should feel ridiculous, Sehun tucking his longer and lankier frame under that of his smaller Junmyeon hyung, but they made it work. 

Except lately it had been the other way around - Sehun pulling Junmyeon to him, arranging his limbs inside his blanket like a burrito, before finally wrapping his arms around him. He could feel Junmyeon trembling, even under the piles of blanket, could hear his breaths quicken as he tried to control the panic rising in him, and he would whisper: “Hyung, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m still here, hyung. It’s okay. Minseok hyung is here. Yixing hyung is here. Baekhyun hyung is here. Jongdae hyung is here. Chanyeol hyung is here. Kyungsoo hyung is here. Tao is here. Jongin is here. I am still here, hyung. It’s okay.”

The two missing names hung heavily in the air, they both felt it. But Sehun would repeat their names over and over again, counting it off - Minseok, Yixing, Baekhyun, Jongdae, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Tao, Jongin. He said it like a mantra, like a prayer to reassure Junmyeon, to reassure himself, that he still had his members. They may not be twelve anymore, but they were still complete as long as they still had each other.

And in the morning, Sehun would wake up to Junmyeon’s sleep-soft face, all the stress lines gone for a moment. He would get a crinkle smile from his hyung, a whispered “thank you, Sehunnie” and a small peck on his lips. He would watch Junmyeon get dressed, putting on his battle armour layer by layer, and he would fall even more in love with his Junmyeon hyung who would rather face it all alone rather than put his members out on display while they were still raw and hurting.

\---

**_Suho: Do you love me?_ **

**_Sehun: Yes. I want to marry you._ **

Sehun is 27 and in love with Junmyeon. 

He has spent nearly half his life in love with Junmyeon, having that knowledge that Junmyeon is someone who is dear to him, growing that tender feeling deep in him from infatuation to adoration to this deep affection that he has for his hyung. He has never loved anyone else, nor has he ever known the feeling of not being in love with Junmyeon. He knows that there are parts of himself that only exists because Junmyeon was there to fill them.

It hasn’t been easy, this path to accepting that he loves Junmyeon, not as a child who adores a cool older brother, not as a teammate who relies on another, but as Oh Sehun, as himself, who loves another man, who loves Kim Junmyeon. He falls in love with Junmyeon, as a person, someone who is flawed and stubborn and narcissistic and messy and drives him up to the wall sometimes with how much he tries to plan every minute of their day when they're on schedule, but also loving and kind and hardworking and giving to the point that he takes care of everyone else before taking care of himself.

There was a time in the middle, after Tao left, when another part of Sehun had broken off and Junmyeon had blamed himself even more, that they lost each other for a while. There were weeks when they didn’t speak to each other, Sehun desperately trying to harden himself, be more independent, rely a little more on himself and a little less on the hyungs, while Jumyeon had thrown himself into his role as the leader, listening more to the management, being harder on the members, closing himself off whenever they tried to give him some comfort. He had tried during that time to move on from Junmyeon, had feared that Junmyeon would never see him as anything more than the maknae, as just another person that he was responsible over, and tried to date. But he loves Jumyeon, and there was no moving on from that. 

It took a few months, a few interventions from the members and a lot of arguments, but they found each other again. And when they did, Junmyeon found a Sehun who was not the gangly 14-year-old who idolised him, not the shy 20-year-old with a lisp who was devoted to his hyungs, but a man who cared deeply for him, loved him and had been waiting for him.

It’s love in the romantic sense, love in the sense that Junmyeon is the last voice he hears before he sleeps and the first face he sees when he wakes up. 

They’ve started to branch out into their individual schedules more now, and that means that it’s unfortunately more common for them to spend their nights apart than together. But they make it work - no matter where they are, no matter the time difference or the schedule that they have. They make use of all the benefits modern technology has to offer - sometimes Sehun would video call his hyung before falling asleep and sometimes Junmyeon would leave him with a voice memo if his schedule means that he can’t be there to pick up the call. It could be as simple as a “Good morning, Sehunnie. 2 more days till I return home.” to an hours-long voice memo of all the things Junmyeon saw in an art museum. Sehun loves those the best, would leave it playing in the background as he gets ready for his day and it almost feels like Junmyeon is right there with him.

The message this morning is along the lines of the latter, Junmyeon chattering away about the view from his hotel as he packs his luggage for the flight home that night. He’s been away to Rome for a photos shoot and has been raving about the sights and all the places he wants to share with Sehun when they come back on holiday together. He smiles as he hears the excitement in Junmyeon’s voice while describing Rome, but can also hear the fatigue from 3 days of nonstop night shooting on location and the eagerness to finally get home - to rest, to sleep, to Sehun. He’s eager to finally have Junmyeon home too, there’s a question that he would like to ask him.

There’s a moment, a small moment where time seems to be frozen still, when Sehun is standing in front of his dresser fingering the small box in his hand and imagining Junmyeon’s reaction when he comes home and sees the surprise. It’s a perfect moment, where the possibilities are endless and Sehun is nervous, but also not, because he is sure of what Junmyeon’s answer would be. It’s a fleeting moment when the future stretches endless and boundless in front of them, when Sehun dreams of getting a house together, and maybe a few years later, a child to fill that house. It’s a moment that he comes back to often.

Two things happen then - his phone rings and someone starts pounding on his door. He doesn’t know it then, but his life is about to change. 

\---

**KpopHerald**

**@Kpop_Herald**

Just in: EXO Suho reportedly involved in a car accident in Rome. His condition is unknown.

**Soompi**

**@soompi**

SM Entertainment has issued a statement saying they are looking into the reports of EXO Suho being injured in a car crash. 

**mes #TeamPinky**

**@OH_mes2**

EXO Suho confirmed to have died in a car accident on his way to the airport in Rome. 

n.news.naver.com/entertain…

\---

**_Sehun: I wish that the thing I call “us” will never change and remain the same forever._ **

Sehun is … he’s not sure what he is now, or how he is, or how many days had passed since it happened. 

His memory of the next few hours, days, weeks are warped. The immediate aftermath, those few minutes immediately before and after getting the news will forever be etched in Sehun’s memory. He’s in the middle of unlocking his phone to read the sudden barrage of messages he has received when he opens the door. Baekhyun is standing in front of him, his face pale, one hand holding his phone to his ear. 

“Yes, he’s here, Chanyeol. Yes, I’ll let him know. Tell the rest to come here too.”

“Hyung, what ---”

Baekhyun doesn’t let Sehun finish, just steps into the room, grabs his phone from his hands and pushes him to sit on the sofa. 

“Sehun,” Baekhyun stops. And Sehun, in all his years of knowing Baekhyun, has never known him to look this lost for words, “Something’s happened to Junmyeon hyung.”

Everything else after those five words are a blur to him, he barely remembers them and maybe there is mercy in that. He doesn’t have to live with the memory of having Baekhyun actually saying the words that Junmyeon is gone, even though he knows that they were said to him. Weeks later, Baekhyun would tell him that he just sat there in silence until the rest of the members came to the apartment, and then he continued not saying a word for 3 days.

He doesn’t remember watching the news coverage and reading articles about the accident, rumours flying with the scant information that was coming from Italy, though he thinks he must have when he finds cut-out articles slipped in the dresser years later. The company is scrambling behind the scenes trying to get as much information as they could, trying to manage the rumours and the drop in their stock prices. They were flying someone over to Rome to help with the administrative matters to bring the body back - 

_\- to bring Junmyeon back_. 

He has no recollection of moving out, just a vague memory of Chanyeol and Baekhyun having an argument in the kitchen on whether he should continue staying in the apartment alone, Chanyeol winning the argument and bundling Sehun into the car to stay with him. Months later, when he finally moved back into his apartment, Sehun would realise that Chanyeol had also cleared out the apartment of all of Junmyeon’s things and pictures, had changed the sheets and done the laundry with a new detergent. Everything was placed into the spare bedroom, the door kept firmly closed and locked for when Sehun was finally ready to go through them. He had felt warring emotions at that, angry at Chanyeol for removing all traces of Junmyeon from their shared home as if he never existed at all, and yet, grateful that when everywhere in Seoul and everything he did reminded him of Junmyeon, he had a place that he could go back to where the memories were still present, but kept at arm's length.

What he does remember most clearly was the overwhelming feeling of being bereft, of being left behind and feeling lost and hopeless. He’s been through member changes, he’s survived those terrible 7 months when he and Junmyeon were fighting every time they were together, he’s been through enlistment, the longest period when they were apart, but through it all, Junmyeon was still there. He was always physically there, but now he wasn’t, and Sehun’s not sure how to live the rest of his life now. 

\---

**_Sehun: Aish - I love you._ **

**_Sehun: I like Suho hyung the most._ **

Sehun is 28 and in love with Junmyeon. 

He wakes to the sound of someone moving around in the kitchen, and for one breathless moment, he forgets. He smiles, about to tease Junmyeon about not burning the toast or to add sugar to coffee, reliving countless memories of all the times Junmyeon had tried to be sweet and make breakfast for him in bed but ended up making a whole mess. But then he hears the person speaking accented Korean and remembers. 

He turns over, pulls the covers over his head and buries his nose in Junmyeon’s pillow. It doesn’t smell of him anymore, hadn’t since Chanyeol changed his laundry detergent, but it was Junmyeon’s, and that was enough for him. He knows what day, what _date_ it is. 

He had been planning on spending the day alone, possibly in bed, preferably with a bottle of wine for company. But Yixing had arrived last night and insisted on staying with him, fussing over him in that Yixing way that Sehun had desperately missed and had no heart to put a stop to. He hears Chanyeol answer, figures either he had let himself in or Yixing had. 

Chanyeol had his own set of keys, had them made for himself ever since Sehun had gone MIA for a month, not picking up his calls or answering their messages, until Chanyeol had personally gone to his apartment and banged on the door until he answered. He had found Sehun disheveled, unshaved and having not showered in days. Empty bottles of soju were strewn around the apartment and all the food in the fridge had gotten stale. Ever since then, all the members took turns checking in on him every few days, either by call or text, and if he didn’t reply within a few hours, Chanyeol would be dispatched down to check on him. 

He loves his hyungs, he does. He honestly does not know how he would have survived the past year without them. EXO had gone on hiatus, understandably so, the rest of the members focusing on their own individual projects for the past year. No one had pressured him about possibly coming back, but he knows that the company has been asking when their hiatus would end. None of that talk gets back to him of course, and he has to thank Minseok hyung for that, the eldest stepping in with Junmyeon gone. They’ve been protecting him, shielding him from the worst of the talk and the rumours, but he knows it’s not fair for him to keep them in this perpetual hiatus for much longer. He has a decision to make, and he needs to make it soon. 

The rest of the members arrived alone or in pairs over the next few hours, each one of them bringing either food or alcohol. They were ready to stuff themselves with food and then cry while in their drink. He’d broken the news right after dinner, told them of his decision and nervously asked for their support. He was going to do what he wanted to, what he needed to anyway, but he would like to do it with the blessings of the most important 7 people in his life after his parents. A small part of him would always be the maknae, would always need his hyungs with him. 

He shouldn’t have feared. There was a beat of silence after he’d told them, then Jongdae had raised his glass and toasted: “To our Sehunnie, the bravest of us all.”

Sehun had burst into tears. 

They’d spent the rest of the night sharing stories about Junmyeon, bursting into laughter and shedding tears at the same time. By the end of which, they were sprawled all around the room, more than a little tipsy and ready to settle in for the night. No one was going home - tonight of all nights, they needed to spend it together. 

Surprisingly, Sehun is the most sober of them all. He sits at the dining room table and looks fondly at his members. He sees Chanyeol and Baekhyun curled together on the sofa, spies their fingers tangled together and a small smile curves up his lips. He’s happy for them, he is. 

“Are you sure you want to do this, Sehun?” Yixing’s voice cut in, shifting Sehun’s gaze from the couple on the sofa to his hyung opposite. 

“I am. I think I am. I think I need to do this, Lay hyung.”

Yixing stretched his arm across the table and grasped Sehun’s hand. “Then do it.”

Sehun looks at the post that he has saved in the drafts of his instagram account. He takes a deep breath and hits post.

\---

**Soompi**

**@soompi**

EXO Sehun comes out with a personal post about Suho on Instagram.

soompi.com/article/940100…

**mes #TeamPinky**

**@OH_mes2**

EXO Sehun announces his departure from SM Entertainment and EXO.

n.news.naver.com/entertain…

\---

Sehun is 32 and in love with Junmyeon. 

He was so angry for so long, and it took a while for the anger to get out. Back in the kitchen that night when he had come out and the next day when he had met with the company and told them he was leaving, things were so clear to him, all his plans clearly laid out. He thought it would be easy - make some major changes in his life and in a few weeks, he would be fine. But the journey to “fine” took so much longer and there were days when he was so consumed with rage that he could barely breathe. 

He remembers the day when Baekhyun and Chanyeol got engaged; they’d video-called him, so giddily happy and in-love and wanting to share that joy with him. But all he could taste was ashes in his mouth and all he could see was the future that he would never have with Junmyeon, the future he was robbed of. He’d ended the call with them and spent the rest of the week in a drunken stupor trying to forget everything. 

Then there were the good days, days when he thought he could do this, that he was strong enough. Things would be okay, he would be fine and then he would find himself turning around to say something to Junmyeon, to share a joke with him or to whine to him when he was having a bad day. And he would remember and it felt like finding out all over again. The pain never lessened, he just felt it fewer times in a day, in a week, in a month till he went weeks without a breakdown. But when he did remember, it would feel just as new. 

It took a lot of work, but he’s doing better now, and he has a date tonight. It’s nothing serious, just an old highschool friend of his who recently came back to Korea from overseas. She doesn’t know EXO, doesn’t know Junmyeon, and Sehun wonders what it’s like to live a life not affected by the Junmyeon-shaped hole. He thinks he’ll tell her about Junmyeon next time if all goes well tonight; he doesn’t want people to forget about him.

Sehun is 32 and in love with Junmyeon - he thinks he always will be. His love for Junmyeon will always be in the present tense, and he doesnt think that there will ever be a day when he falls out of love with Junmyeon.

But he thinks he's ready to start living again. 

**_Sehun: Why are you suddenly saying that?_ **

**_Suho: Because I am proud of you._ **

===

_Coda_

Sehun dreams of Junmyeon 3 times. 

The first was a week after his death, and they had just buried him that day. He sees Junmyeon on their couch, his head in his hands. He looked tired and weary, his eyes were closed. He didn’t look anything like the Junmyeon Sehun remembers in his head or the Junmyeon he had just said his final goodbye to that morning. He sat next to him, told him to rest and that he would be fine. 

The second dream was a few months later, and they were in their old dorm, in their shared bedroom, cuddled together on the bed. They spent so many late nights, so many early mornings in that exact same position that Sehun could almost pretend that it wasn’t a dream but a memory. Junmyeon had apologised for leaving and said he loved him. Sehun hadn’t said a word, just looked at that beautiful face that he missed so much and cried. He hadn’t cried in all the months before, but right then in his dream, cocooned in Junmyeon’s arms, he cried for the first time. 

And the third time, the last time he ever dreamt of Junmyeon was of the two of them at home. He had come home and Junmyeon was there, sitting at the kitchen table. He ran in on shaky legs, breath catching in his chest and he was confused but so so happy to see him again. Junmyeon was bathed in the soft afternoon light and Sehun thought this was the most serene he had ever seen him. He smiled, told Sehun that he was doing well and that he was going now. He kissed him on the forehead and walked out the door. 

Sehun never dreams of Junmyeon again.


End file.
